I was told today by my best friend that I have been the best mom in the world and that kids do not come with pamphlets on how parent a transgender child.
While I realize this is true, my “child” is now 25 and I am aware of mistakes I made when he told me he was gay at 18 – even though I had suspected it for many years, and then again when he told me he wanted to identify as a girl a few years ago.
In 2016 Cody, moved out of state at 20 years old and I’ve only seen him once in five years; during those five years he has decided to transition to a woman, now going by Koda.
Today I finally found out why I don’t hear from (her) much anymore. She needs his space from me. Apparently, I hurt Koda while growing up and really messed her up (her words). I wasn’t the only one, but to me, that doesn’t matter.
For 20 years I was the advocate for all things Aspergers. How could I not see that I was hurting my child when it came to sexual preference? I was so scared due to do my Christian upbringing, and while I tried to be accepting, I know in the beginning my words and actions could have been hurtful, but hindsight is 20/20.
For the past six years, I have been very supportive and never negative – at all times. I hoped that made up for my earlier mistakes, today I found out how wrong those hopes were.
She needs time, and all I want to do is try to explain myself and apologize; yet I realize that now, more than ever, I have to respect these wishes – but it is so difficult when all I want to do it make things better- and this is only day one.
I’ve cried all day, my heart is broken. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt one of my kids.
Is there anyone out there that can relate? Does someone have advice? What can I do? How do I move forward? How do I forgive myself? I’m grieving,…how do you spend 20 years trying to do your best to find out you failed? Where do I go from here?