Lost

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After much reflection, the one word that describes how I am feeling is LOST.

On June 24th I wrote a post that it had been 19 long days since I talked to my oldest child….it is August 11th, and still nothing.

I want to write eloquent words to describe what’s happening but I feel too broken to even begin.

Time doesn’t fly….it Crawls

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Nineteen days. Nineteen days may not seem like a long time, but for a mother waiting to hear back from the child that said a break away from her was needed; it is an eternity.

Today I received a text that my child (25 years old) lol, has a therapy appointment and while excited to see family, is fearful of reactions to the transgender transformation.

I tried to call, no answer. So I texted, trying to play it cool, but feeling the urge to beg. In a long text, I didn’t say I was right and I did apologize for things I may have done that were hurtful.

I also took the opportunity to remind of the many therapist and psychiatrist appointments we went to and the amount of times I defended and protected, as well as teaching at the same school to be the best advocate I could.

I also asked if we (husband and I) could please visit to talk, and said I believe it will help us both. No pressure to hang out with us or see us again other than to talk.

My heart has been breaking for 19 days.

When a son becomes a daughter – Asperger’s Version

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I was told today by my best friend that I have been the best mom in the world and that kids do not come with pamphlets on how parent a transgender child.

While I realize this is true, my “child” is now 25 and I am aware of mistakes I made when he told me he was gay at 18 – even though I had suspected it for many years, and then again when he told me he wanted to identify as a girl a few years ago.

In 2016 Cody, moved out of state at 20 years old and I’ve only seen him once in five years; during those five years he has decided to transition to a woman, now going by Koda.

Today I finally found out why I don’t hear from (her) much anymore. She needs his space from me. Apparently, I hurt Koda while growing up and really messed her up (her words). I wasn’t the only one, but to me, that doesn’t matter.

For 20 years I was the advocate for all things Aspergers. How could I not see that I was hurting my child when it came to sexual preference? I was so scared due to do my Christian upbringing, and while I tried to be accepting, I know in the beginning my words and actions could have been hurtful, but hindsight is 20/20.

For the past six years, I have been very supportive and never negative – at all times. I hoped that made up for my earlier mistakes, today I found out how wrong those hopes were.

She needs time, and all I want to do is try to explain myself and apologize; yet I realize that now, more than ever, I have to respect these wishes – but it is so difficult when all I want to do it make things better- and this is only day one.

I’ve cried all day, my heart is broken. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt one of my kids.

Is there anyone out there that can relate? Does someone have advice? What can I do? How do I move forward? How do I forgive myself? I’m grieving,…how do you spend 20 years trying to do your best to find out you failed? Where do I go from here?

An Extra Short Story

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Not all little boys like toy cars, some like ponies and rainbows and their mother’s high heels.

His parent’s knew early on that he was different than other boys his age, no amount of pressure to play with “boy appropriate” toys worked. His mother tried to understand and give in to his desires without going over the imaginary line that his dad had drawn in the sand. His father put his foot down time after time when his son wanted to wear a pink scarf or similar clothing item that was not gender-appropriate, never speaking the hidden fear in his heart.

So began the battle, from toddler years and ending……I guess that is to be seen; for the father still refuses to purchase any presents that he deems inappropriate and although his mother has come to terms with her son’s sexuality, she too worries about him. Unlike his father, she doesn’t worry about how her son’s choices might be a bad reflection upon her; but she worries for him. She worries that people will look down upon him, make fun of him or worse – cause some type of harm to him. He doesn’t see it that way, he only sees two parents that do not accept and love him for who he truly is. He is different, he also has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and is on the Autism Spectrum. As his grandmother would say “he drew the short end of the stick.”

On top of everything else, his younger brother seems perfect. He is loved and even revered by his father, doesn’t have any mental or developmental disorders and everyone loves him, a natural social-butterfly. His brother is athletic and smart and everything that he isn’t. He does not like his brother, in fact, he can’t stand him. Jealousy is a green-eyed monster.

What he doesn’t know is that he couldn’t be more wrong about himself. While his brother is everything he isn’t, his brother isn’t better than him; just different. His mom would tell you that they are both wonderful in their own way. In fact, he has a bigger heart than his brother and people (that aren’t blinded by ignorance) are drawn to him, the way a moth is to a flame. There is something about this charming, loving, young  person that is irresistible. Though he may have faults, as we all do, he is by no means a faulted person.

Does his mother sometimes struggle with his changes? Yes. But she loves him unconditionally and only hopes that one day he will see that he doesn’t need to compare himself to his brother or anyone else. He is her baby, her first-born, her everything and she will love him with all of her heart until the day it beats no longer.

 

Worried

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He came home from Church ecstatic and hurried in my bedroom to see me. He spoke so fast and loud …..which is what he does when he is happy with himself. The youth pastor asked him to share his testimony, he did and loved what happened afterwords. People came to talk to him and tell him how well he spoke and how they were impressed with his testimony.

His testimony was about his struggle with homosexuality. Yes, we are Christians so that announcement from him in itself was difficult. I could go on and on about how this shouldn’t be a surprise and how people have been telling me since he was in elementary school that he was gay….but I’ll spare you all the stories.

I worry about him. I worry now that he is a senior in high school that I have not prepared him for the real world; that I have sheltered him too much. I worry that college will be too much for him, or even working will be difficult. I wouldn’t worry if he didn’t exhibit behaviors like forgetting to wear his deodorant, to brush his teeth and shower.

If I knew then (when he was little) what I know now about Asperger’s, I would do so many things different. I realize that I only have this knowledge because I have lived through it once. Maybe I should become a counselor and specialize in Asperger’s.  Nice thought but I’m not going back to college, so I’ll just try to help as many people as I can.

Near Disaster

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As expected, everything didn’t go right when getting ready for his chorus concert, but this time it was my fault. Isn’t it always someone’s fault? The one time that he isn’t arguing about getting ready, I set off his mood….figures.

Here’s how it happened:

I showed him his outfit (I know its crazy that he could care less). Even though it was dress pants and a button up “stuffy” shirt and vest, he liked the way he looked and was happy. However, his hair needed a little trimming before the entire auditorium got a chance to see him. He didn’t want me to cut it and I didn’t want him to cut it, I won and had him sit quietly while I trimmed a few pieces here and there.

After I finished, I remembered that I have thinning sheers (his hair is very thick like mine). I uses the thinning shears a couple times and then when I go to thin out the crown of his head …………I use the wrong scissors and cut off about 4 inches in one spot. So now he has an area that is about 1 1/2 inches long surrounded by long locks.

I look at him with his mouth gaped open and I say “I’m sorry”. His response, “I’m pissed!”. I tried to calm him and tell him that I wouldn’t cut the rest of it short that for now I was just going to cut some of the top layers a little shorter to try to blend with the shorter hair and not take any off the length. After I got that through to him, he calmed down.

It was a great concert and he looked very handsome. Everyone was impressed with how dressed up he was which seemed to make him proud of himself.

I guess the lesson to be learned is: when in need of a haircut go to a professional.

His chorus concert

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music-notes

 

It’s that time of year again – the annual High School Chorus Christmas concert. For a teenager with Asperger’s this isn’t a pleasant experience. However, he loves to sing so much that he does it despite his misgivings. He will be irritable and somewhat presentable (at least to other people, to him he will be dressed great). He doesn’t care if his shirt is buttoned correctly, or if it is tucked in like everyone else’s. He won’t even bother to fix his collar. His focus is on the singing and handling the stage fright.

Asperger’s kids tend to not pay much attention to their hygiene, so I will have to urge him get a shower and make sure he puts his deodorant on. I wonder – will he ever remember to do this on his own?  I ask myself things like this quite often.

Of course nothing is ever ready ahead of time, we always procrastinate. He didn’t look for the pants he needs until last night (because I didn’t ask him do it earlier in the week) and now that he can’t find them we are waiting on his dad to get home (we are divorced) so he can look to see if he has some our son can wear. So it’s hurry up and wait.

In the meantime he asks me if he can walk with some “friends” after school to the local pizza parlor, and hesitantly, I agree. He doesn’t have many friends and almost never gets to go anywhere with them, so it is hard to say no, even though it makes me anxious about being ready for the concert on time.

So, I’m crossing my fingers and trying to not worry 🙂

 

 

 

First Blog

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I created this blog in the hopes that I can share my parenting experiences with others. I want this blog to not only help parents with children like mine, but I hope those with children without disorders will read and learn and teach their children about tolerance and acceptance of those that are different than themselves. As stated in my header my teenage son has Asperger’s Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, is effeminate and most likely gay. Asperger’s is on the Autism scale. It affects his social skills, common sense and many other things.

If you are a parent of a teen with any of these problems, I would love to hear from you. It is always nice to know that I’m not all alone in this world. I am a single mom, his dad is in the picture but my son doesn’t feel comfortable around his dad, they never bonded and while he loves him; because of the Asperger’s he likes to be where he feels comfortable.

I could write for hours about things that have happened in the past, however, I will stay in the present unless someone has a questions about his earlier years. Right now he is a high school Senior, and it is a stressful time for him and the entire family. Because he does not act like he is his age, nor have the common sense of someone his age, facing “grown-up” life is scary for him (and me). He doesn’t even have his license yet.

In the coming months I will focus on teaching him to drive so he can get his license as soon as possible and trying to narrow down where he wants to go to school. I am beginning to realize that he may need to go to a technical college because he doesn’t deal well with things that he isn’t interested in. Part of me wants to give it a chance, but the realistic part of me knows it won’t work.

Whatever he chooses I will support him and help him all that I can.